What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
