You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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