I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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