I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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