all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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