I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I need to calm my uterus...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
