So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
