i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
