how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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