I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
