I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
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