You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
