I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
