What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I want to fling myself into the sun
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
