I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
