My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
