What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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