You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
