A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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