Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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