Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
