You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
