haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
