Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize