why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
