He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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