my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
