I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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