A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
