when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
