Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
