You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
