I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
