I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
