We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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