i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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