new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
