well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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