dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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