I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
