Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
