That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
