Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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