What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can't turn off my feet"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
