Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
