i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
