im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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