Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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