you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize