You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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