I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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