watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize