god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
