Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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