For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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