Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
