I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
