I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize