it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sext me about skeletons
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
