I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize