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I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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