Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
