Please don't use social media to get back at me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
