I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
