listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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