Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize