Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Couch. On fire.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
